Enriching vs Defining

Our endeavors and achievements should enrich rather than define us.

Right Hand Turn

Sometimes a couple has to take a right hand turn, veering bravely off the left-turn only, oval-shaped runners' track of life.

Tom and I took a right hand turn the other day, hand in hand, wandering like explorers letting the road reveal its merriment. It began with a hidden pathway off the beach, steps that led to a cheerful, narrow cobblestone street.

A glass artwork gallery greeted us, beckoning. We entered.













Inspired by creativity, hand in hand, the adventure continued. Out to the street, upwards on cobblestones, is that music we hear? Irish music? A quaint pub!











Friendly people, refreshment, ready for more roaming.


Full circle, our path returned us to the beach on this stormy day. Who says a gray beach isn't beautiful? Cozy. A silver, salt-breezed blanket wrapping a soul in reassurance.


Reminders...people notice, people care, people express.






A spontaneously taken, fulfilling right hand turn invigorates a long-time marriage. More right hand turns, less worrying about what 'the world' expects.


Another goofy self-portrait, sealed with a kiss, hold my hand, Tom. We're going to make it.

Happiness

"...People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments." ~~ Elizabeth Gilbert

A rather idealistic quote, yet there is truth in it. Especially the concept that happiness is man-made not some magical, mystical turn of fortune. There are times when we glorious yet flawed humans - in maintaining our balance - spiral downward for awhile. These times only increase the intensity of happier moments. And it's in the suffering that wisdom is found. But one mustn't allow the suffering to continue past is usefulness - by wallowing once the darkness has passed - but instead summon effort toward restoring the happier state. And not just for our own comfort.

"...I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at the very least) inconvenience to those around me. The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people." ~~ Elizabeth Gilbert

It's taken me awhile to figure this out. Still new at it.

Slow learner, late bloomer, not complaining.

Currently happy.

Fighting to Let Go

The Horse Whisperer is a favorite movie of mine. For many reasons.


Today the film comes to mind as I struggle to let go, to pry my fingers up, to allow my mind to find strength through relaxing, to do the gritty impossible by becoming gentle, trusting outside forces, to willingly sink into life as into a comfortable sofa at the end of a tiring day.

Why is it so hard to relax? To quit straining? To loosen up? To see that not everything requires my management, that, in fact, the time for my firm hand on some things has past? That I've done all I can, that freedom awaits if I'd just accept it? A gift. New beginnings. Forward movement.

And if I refuse? The knotted ropes I've created which bind me head-to-toe only tighten with the struggle. To believe that it is in energy's cessation that the ropes drop away seems ridiculous, yet, in this particular instance it is so. Required is a different sort of energy, quiet energy, flowing, centered, mindful, trusting, wise, light, peaceful, inclusive, faithful, experienced, awake, confident, and in a winning way, resigned.

How can it be so difficult to NOT and so easy to STRAIN?


Understanding is the beginning of wisdom. And therein lies the answer. Acknowledgement of a problem is the beginning of solution. I'm on the right path.


Now, relax little fingers, we'll land in a safe place, a new safe place.

Reinvention

Refreshment and the stirrings of energy, inspiration, and happiness again in my fatigued mind, heart, and body.

There is hope.

Sunshine. Summerish breezes. Growing garden. Multiple blooming flowers. Strawberries with whipped cream. Contagious teenage laughter - howls of it. Kisses, hugs, understanding eyes of a man who puts up with oh, so much.

Inner silence. Peace.

Mindful conclusions, settlement.

Cool kept on the outside while the battle raged around.

Progress.

Rest. Healing begins.

A new day.

Deliverance

"If you knew each day that you could relax in Mother's arms and be nurtured and rocked to health and vitality, wouldn't you do it? This is the nature of letting go." ~~ Tom Crum

One finger at a time. As in a slow-motion dream I release lies and pain.

It will be accomplished. A shift has occurred. In my sight. In my thinking. In my heart. Light bulb moment. Illusion gives way to reality, yes, a straightened, relaxed finger at a time. She and she gripped in darkness or is it that I have stepped into the light?

Irreconcilable differences.

Growing pains.

Cast off that which hinders - sad sad mourn - self-preservation.

Separation the only path to freedom, to life regained.

Sacred cauterization.

Searing pain - and soon, healing.

Cool, fresh health.

Let it be.

Mean Girls

Again it happened. It happens annually. Callous women in my life do this thing which leaves me sucker-punched because I forget - and forgive - and forget. So it catches me in the ribs, then behind the neck, and down I go.

Salty tears blanket my face. I ask Tom, "Why?" Poor man. He cannot know the answer. And he knows I will never say anything to the malicious women who take pleasure in hurting me.

What they don't know, though, is that every time they play their cruel game I become a bit stronger as I seek solace. Tenaciously. Platitudes don't cut it: "You shouldn't be upset, you have God!" "Everything happens for a reason." "The battle is the Lord's."

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I am upset because I have God and I know that this is an evil - dressed in church clothes - perpetrated by women who claim to be His children. It will never sit well with me. I'm looking for tables to overturn.

Happens for a reason? Does that mean just sit there? Sometimes. But maybe the reason is for me to see a blind spot of my own, to pursue the removal of it, to learn something about myself, about God, about the order of things, and thus to grow. At any rate it is not comforting to be told there's a reason. Of course there's a reason - there was a reason for the cross, too, and Jesus didn't just sit there with a stupid look on his face and call it 'faith'. He grappled and wept. Often grappling and weeping are called for. (Not that any of my so-called trials can begin to compare with Jesus'.)

Lord's battle, yes, but who does the fighting for me? Aren't I supposed to fight the good fight, run the race, fear and tremble my way to the finish line? Yes, there is an internal restfulness in knowing that ultimately all is well with my soul. But please don't tell me whose battle it is, I know full well; I'm in the middle of the battlefield. Look! Wounds! Blood! Arrows aplenty sticking out of my back! The battle may be the Lord's but it's obvious I am to participate.

So I continue the search. Tears dry up quicker these days. More arrows with which to defend fill my quiver, more understanding in my heart - I, too, offend obliviously and not - and truer compassion are the products of fighting this battle. Would I rather not fight, foregoing insight? Yesterday - in the midst of the pain I would have answered affirmatively. Today, the answer is 'no'. The inherent truth of the lesson impels me.

In the meantime I take solace in these words of Don Miguel Ruiz:

"If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don't need to be attached to the pain.

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal."

[Emphases mine]

In the words of John Lennon:

"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder."