Thursday, May 21, 2009


Refreshment and the stirrings of energy, inspiration, and happiness again in my fatigued mind, heart, and body.

There is hope.

Sunshine. Summerish breezes. Growing garden. Multiple blooming flowers. Strawberries with whipped cream. Contagious teenage laughter - howls of it. Kisses, hugs, understanding eyes of a man who puts up with oh, so much.

Inner silence. Peace.

Mindful conclusions, settlement.

Cool kept on the outside while the battle raged around.


Rest. Healing begins.

A new day.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


"If you knew each day that you could relax in Mother's arms and be nurtured and rocked to health and vitality, wouldn't you do it? This is the nature of letting go." ~~ Tom Crum
One finger at a time. As in a slow-motion dream I release lies and pain.

It will be accomplished. A shift has occurred. In my sight. In my thinking. In my heart. Light bulb moment. Illusion gives way to reality, yes, a straightened, relaxed finger at a time. She and she gripped in darkness or is it that I have stepped into the light?

Irreconcilable differences.

Growing pains.

Cast off that which hinders - sad sad mourn - self-preservation.

Separation the only path to freedom, to life regained.

Sacred cauterization.

Searing pain - and soon, healing.

Cool, fresh health.

Let it be.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mean Girls

Again it happened. It happens annually. Callous women in my life do this thing which leaves me sucker-punched because I forget - and forgive - and forget. So it catches me in the ribs, then behind the neck, and down I go.

Salty tears blanket my face. I ask Tom, "Why?" Poor man. He cannot know the answer. And he knows I will never say anything to the malicious women who take pleasure in hurting me.

What they don't know, though, is that every time they play their cruel game I become a bit stronger as I seek solace. Tenaciously. Platitudes don't cut it: "You shouldn't be upset, you have God!" "Everything happens for a reason." "The battle is the Lord's."

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

I am upset because I have God and I know that this is an evil - dressed in church clothes - perpetrated by women who claim to be His children. It will never sit well with me. I'm looking for tables to overturn.

Happens for a reason? Does that mean just sit there? Sometimes. But maybe the reason is for me to see a blind spot of my own, to pursue the removal of it, to learn something about myself, about God, about the order of things, and thus to grow. At any rate it is not comforting to be told there's a reason. Of course there's a reason - there was a reason for the cross, too, and Jesus didn't just sit there with a stupid look on his face and call it 'faith'. He grappled and wept. Often grappling and weeping are called for. (Not that any of my so-called trials can begin to compare with Jesus'.)

Lord's battle, yes, but who does the fighting for me? Aren't I supposed to fight the good fight, run the race, fear and tremble my way to the finish line? Yes, there is an internal restfulness in knowing that ultimately all is well with my soul. But please don't tell me whose battle it is, I know full well; I'm in the middle of the battlefield. Look! Wounds! Blood! Arrows aplenty sticking out of my back! The battle may be the Lord's but it's obvious I am to participate.

So I continue the search. Tears dry up quicker these days. More arrows with which to defend fill my quiver, more understanding in my heart - I, too, offend obliviously and not - and truer compassion are the products of fighting this battle. Would I rather not fight, foregoing insight? Yesterday - in the midst of the pain I would have answered affirmatively. Today, the answer is 'no'. The inherent truth of the lesson impels me.

In the meantime I take solace in these words of Don Miguel Ruiz:
"If others say one thing, but do another, you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don't need to be attached to the pain.

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal."

[Emphases mine]
In the words of John Lennon:
"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thanks, Deanna

"Socrates was a loafer who cared for neither world history nor astronomy. But he had plenty of time and enough eccentricity to be concerned about the merely human, a concern that, strangely enough, is considered an eccentricity among human beings."

~~Soren Kierkegaard
Me. Pondering by the nearly full moon. Found this on Deanna's blog. Perfect.


Why is it considered unconventional and slightly strange - eccentric - to be concerned about the merely human? When we are all...human?

Well, it just is, I guess.

A couple thousand years ago...and now.

Head shaking.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Slight Turning of the Head to Catch It

"It is worth our while to perceive that the final reason for Rome's defeat was the failure of mind and spirit to rise to a new and great opportunity, to meet the challenge of new and great events. Material development outstripped human development; the Dark Ages took possession of Europe, and classical antiquity ended."

~~Edith Hamiltion, The Roman Way

Look around and tell me it isn't so that material development has outstripped human development.


And it's happened before.

Will we, as a nation and as a people, follow the past into the same blind alley or will we comprehend the lesson in time? Is there time? Or is it too late?
"(Rome's) first necessity was for intellectual and spiritual insight, for wisdom...A narrow selfishness kept men blind..."
~~ Edith Hamilton
I believe in the power of the human spirit especially the spirit touched by the eternal God. I believe he has written past and future. All goes according to plan. And I believe we each have freedom to choose what kind of people we will be from within, our character, our values, our determinations, the use of our minds, hearts, and spirits for good or waste. And I believe that a trip out and about reveals that too many of us - believers and unbelievers alike - are choosing to waste our lives lining up and following the masses, doing as we're told even if we may gripe about it. Too many of us let others think for us, choose what we eat, what we buy, how we live. Even what we believe.

But I am heartened for I have witnessed awakenings even as the shallow material realm blares and blasts continually, ever closer, ever louder, ever harder to shut out. There are those who catch the still small voice on the breeze, who step out of line to carefully listen, who turn and follow the voice of the Shephard, the one who leads to Truth. There are those compelled to push against the current of hypnotized humanity, a few who hear enough, see enough to know that there, over there is a real thing, a true thing, a truth worth vigorously seeking.

Life turns on its head. Illusion dissipates. Priority changes. Understanding increases.

Ah, this is life. Life!

Hold on, you few, hold on with all you've got!

And press on.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Marvelous Human Bodies

Circling our homefront early Sunday morning were marathon runners by the thousands. Mile 12 - 13 wrapped around our very neighborhood, the halfway point in the annual Eugene Marathon.

Tom, Sammy, and I were there to greet the athletes, cheering them on as they ran past our park and along our blossoming streets. An amazing feat of many feet running on hard surfaces, jarring, jarring, on and on.

Some runners playfully bayed at Sam trying to get him to howl. Some smiled at me as I photographed and told them they inspired me. Most were 'in the zone' focused on getting through. Some were sweat drenched, splotchy faced, shuffling along looking as I must have during the transition phase of childbirth - near panic, wild-eyed with thoughts of 'what in the world have I done and get me out of here!' One guy's tongue actually lolled out of his mouth. I didn't take his picture. I saluted him with admiration in my heart because he was accomplishing something I could not do right now, and he kept going. Good for him!

This digital clock marked the actual Halfway Point. Lots of encouraging cheers from the sidelines and smiling, pleased faces on the runners.

This little girl told her daddy that she wanted to give water to the runners and would he help her. 'You bet!' He and his wife filled containers of water, bundled up the little girl and her tiny siblings - still in jammies - and set up a little watering station. She was a very serious child and a source of refreshment for many a runner.

Witnessing this awesome display of commitment, strength, training, and perseverance during a beautiful - albeit drizzly - spring morning left Tom and me energized for church and a surprise visit from Ben and Sarah. A very pleasant day!

The human body is an amazing thing. Truly amazing! And the human spirit of compassion and kindness even more so.

(Sammy curled up in his bed and slept for a good long time afterwards! A dog's life, you know.)

Friday, May 1, 2009

Another Mike Quote

"Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young."~~~Dorothy Canfield Fisher